07 November, 2013

Indian Railways' Fantastic New Training Program

(Image courtesy : rhythmofunity.com via Google)

The Indian Railways have introduced a mandatory training program for their staff. It is imperative that every single official in the Indian Railways, right from the signalman to the station masters to the Mechanical Engineers not just undergo this training, it is absolutely vital that they pass this program with flying colours. Their jobs are said to hinge on their performance in this training program.

The Railway Officials are still debating on a name for this training program. Not surprisingly, they have not been able to reach a consensus on that one. It is being tabled, if reports are to be believed, very soon and the urgency level on having this program implemented is said to be on the same level as national security issues being faced on the borders of our country. Reports actually suggest that this program is actually more important that protecting our national borders.

Officials have been asked to step onto the railway tracks, starting today, with a tape measure in hand. They will also be carrying buckets of neon saffron paint to paint markers onto the railway tracks. The markers, it is believed, will be shaped like a lotus because it is widely believed that a lotus, in any form, is the panacea for all evils in the country. Why saffron ? Because saffron has proved to be an all encompassing shroud for sweeping evils and mistakes under and keeping them there.

When contacted by news reporters, Dr.Manmohan Singh, in characteristic style, refused to speak. Reporters could not contact Rahul Gandhi because he is reported to be away at ISRO, trying to get them to change Mangalyaan's trajectory towards Jupiter instead of Mars. Narendra Modi, however, yet again in characteristic style, has proclaimed this initiative by the Indian Railways as a great act, unrivalled in the history of Indian Initiatives and has compared it to the many training programs that are on offer in the model state of Gujarat.

The said training program is said to be very effective and as it has never ever been implemented in any other country, Narendra Modi is touting it as India’s World Achievement. He has also issued an ultimatum, reports suggest, to the Guinness Book of World Records, asking them to ascribe this achievement to himself as he happened to be the first one to point it out to them. Aptly named, “The Modi Achievement”, he has proclaimed that this is just the beginning.

The said program is said to be unrivalled in improving accuracy and is said to have the ability to put the MTR systems in HK or the MRT systems in Singapore or any other supremely efficient train transport system in the world, to shame. This training program focuses on how to stop trains exactly at the said markers so that VIPs travelling on any said train in the country do not have to use their feet for the purpose God intended them for – to walk. This program trains officials to stop trains (halfway out of the platforms, if necessary) so that VIPs set foot directly onto the red carpet rolled out for them on the dusty, dirty platforms in any of our country’s railway stations. The same dusty, dirty platforms that is home for many people, the same dusty, dirty platforms that people sleep on, virtually night after night without as much as a mat. Yes, those same platforms will have red carpets rolled out for visiting VIPs and if the railway officials as much as miss the red carpet by a millimetre, heads will roll, as the nation witnessed yesterday.

When asked for their opinion through an opinion poll, citizens of our nation however, beg to differ on the contents of the training program. They believe that it is not the Railway officials that need a training program on how to stop train carriages so that the doors open onto the red carpets. They believe that it is our politicians and ministers who are in desperate need of training. Their suggestion is to ask our fragile, delicate, refined and enormously considerate politicians to shift offices to Mumbai and to have them travel to and from work on the local trains in Mumbai. It will stand them in good stead, say the people of our nation and I, for one, cannot agree more.

I doubt if even travelling on Mumbai’s local trains will help our politicians develop a sense of empathy and step out of that little bubble they live in but it sure as hell will help them get fitter, which, in turn, will prove to be a blessing – just in case railway officials stop the train carriage a few feet away from red carpets, you know ? If such a situation dares to arise, they might actually consider walking a few feet.

Now if that is not an achievement, pray tell me what is ?

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